Parenting with Heart by Stephen James

Author:Stephen James
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Parenting;REL012030;FAM034000
Publisher: Baker Publishing Group
Published: 2018-08-01T16:00:00+00:00

By no means are we saying that every moment of conflict with our children is some deep, intra-psychic struggle. All people are selfish and want their own way. (To be different is a choice and takes practice.) Nor are we saying that every moment of parenting turns into this counseling-type process. Very often no means no. Frequently, time-outs, restrictions, and discipline are our first and best moves. What we are saying is that on an emotional, spiritual, and psychological level, much of what our children are doing is asking us questions: “Is your heart big enough, deep enough, mature enough, and wise enough to stay with me? Will you love me well?”

Author and teacher Dan Allender talks about the four characteristics of love. These are essential to parenting (and any significant relationship).1

Delight in the presence of the other. Are we able to celebrate and receive the wonder and beauty of our children? (Most of us do this really well as parents until our children hit middle school.) Are we able to see more good than bad in them and still see the truth of who they are?

Curiosity about the heart of the other. As parents, are we willing to try to understand how our children are uniquely made? Are we willing to step back and look at the work God is doing in their lives and the themes that emerge over time in their stories? Are we able to engage their whole hearts well—even the parts we wish were different?

A willingness to hurt on the other’s behalf. Are we willing to become empathetic enough to imagine what the inner worlds of our children are like? Are we willing to let our hearts break when our children’s hearts break? Can we bear their pain?

A willingness to stand in the way of the other. Another way of saying this is to live with boundaries. Are we willing to consistently stand in the way of their selfishness and engage them in relationship for their good? Children need to know that a presence that is bigger than they are is needed in order for them to be safe. For this to happen, we need to be able to stand firm with care and wisdom and to tolerate their disappointment and displeasure.

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